Tasteless Humor

I had hung out with this guy, Larry, a little bit and he was and probably still is (he hasn't really talked to me since this incident) a pretty cool guy. He eventually said he had developed feelings for me and wanted to go on a real date. I agreed and another friend of mine and I decided it'd be fun to go on a double date. We decided it'd be kind of fun to go to the Ice Cream Festival, so we agree on a time etc and meet up.

Larry had a truck so he obviously couldn't drive 4 people, and the other guy was unemployed and my friend's car was also doubling as a storage locker at that time, so that left the option of me driving. I knew where it was and it was no big deal, I really don't mind driving. However, Larry, didn't even chip in for gas. Larry, didn't have much money at all that day, even though we had planned this a few weeks in advance, and he lived with his dad and made decent money. As far as first dates, I'm pretty old fashioned and I believe the gentleman should pay, especially if he asked first.

So we drive down and we get there and the day is pretty uneventful. I'm actually kind of disappointed in the whole event. The group chemistry was all wrong, we all had different interests, and we were cordial enough we had a nice time, I don't think it was outstanding for anyone. I usually like to go to fairs and festivals, to laugh at the kids wearing ICP shirts, and get way too into cheering on some kind of pie eating contest, or even dancing carelessly to some local band I'll never hear of again and I don't even like. That was not how the day went. The best part of the day was watching a sheep dog show, which was pretty adorable.

So it's now time to go and we're all trying to meet up over by the pond and I realised Larry had gone off somewhere. I wasn't sure where, but I was kind of glad for the alone time, considering the chemistry wasn't there anyhow, and he had started to get on my nerves. Anyhow, he shows back up and by this time I had met up with the other 2 members of our party, and then we head off back towards home.

We get back and I decided to ask if he wants to get some food 'cos I was hungry. He agrees and we go eat and I get the kids burger (boca burger) and fries and he pays for it (he does get points for that) and then it was still kind of early and considering it was suppose to be a date, I ask if he wants to go watch a movie at the drive-in. He says "That'd be cool, but I have to go home and change my pants first." I am puzzled by this, it was a dry, sunny day; it's not like we were muddy. So I question him on it. His reply, "I kinda shit my pants a little bit. Back at the Ice Cream Festival, when I ran off to the bathroom, I sharted." At that moment there was a pause, I asked questions, like "and you rode back in my car?" "uh, why didn't you say something sooner we could've stopped somewhere and go you clean underwear" and then I died of laughter, and I laughed for a good fifteen minutes. And then I told everyone, 'cos he was a regular at the restaurant I was working at.

I got called immature and mean, and a few people have approached me over the way I handled the situation, but damn it, poop will always be funny. It's a first date, you don't tell your date "Oops, I shit my pants!" and expect to not get made fun of. There was not a second date after, and he was no longer a regular after this either, because everyone made fun of him for shitting his pants. And as a word of advice on how to handle the situation if you should ever find yourself in it, go to the bathroom, take off your panties, put them in the trash and clean yourself up; pretend it never happened.

BBQ and Bowling

So I got a phone call today which inspired me to write about this totally epic date. He was the last person I expected to hear from today. He called me to tell me how awesome he is doing with his new girlfriend and about how he has the next 3 years of his life planned out, etc. I also got 3 fillings today without Novocaine, which was more pleasant than this phone call. It ended with a "Fuck you!" and a hang up. All because I told him I didn't want to hear about his new girlfriend, etc. The only benefit of this phone call was it reminded me I needed to write about my date with him.

He's a pretty good-looking young man, a little bit punk rock and a whole lot of bullshit. But sometimes a pretty face can help to look past the bullshit. I met "Marvin", about a year ago. He was in the big D and my friend got his number for me and Marvin and I started hanging out. It was fun, I am 6 years his senior, but I prefer them younger. We were hanging out a lot and it was sweet and fun. It was a little louder and more boisterous than I'm accustomed to, but I liked him and he was sweet. Everything was good for a few weeks. He eventually started to referring to me as his girlfriend and I was okay with that. So I determined it was time to introduce him to my friends.

It was sometime in April, my friend Brandon and I were planning a barbecue and I decided to invite him. Brandon and I spent the early afternoon getting things together for the BBQ and then we went and picked him up (of course he didn't have a vehicle), rounded up some other close friends and headed off to the park.

Now, Brandon is a good looking young man and Marvin decided to sit in the backseat with him. I found that a little odd, but Marvin and I already discussed his sexuality and he assured me he was 100% straight. So it was kinda odd when he started flirting with Brandon while we were riding in the car, but I figured he was just trying to make me jealous, so whatever. (If I would've paid attention to the red flags, I wouldn't have this awesome date story, just FYI) So we get to the park, there's about 4 altogether, and we decide it was too cold and windy to have a BBQ outside, so my dear friend that was also with us says we can go to his house and have the BBQ. Which we do, and we are all having a good time watching B-horror movies and just hanging out. I introduced Marvin as my boyfriend, and everything was going just fine that afternoon.

Now, I don't have a lot of boyfriends, and it was kind of a big deal for me to introduce him to my closest friends that day. But everyone seemed to like him and I was feeling pretty good about things. So after the indoor BBQ we all decide to go bowling 'cos it was $10 night. So we pile into our vehicles and head to the bowling alley, which was practically across the street. We get a disinfected rental shoes, a lane, and some sodas and the bowling commences. Marvin is kind of a social butterfly so he was more interested in making friends than bowling and some of his new friends hooked him up with a beer (he claims there were shots of whiskey also, but the rest of us believe it was just a beer). He says he's starting to feel a little buzzed, now he's a big guy like over 6' and a beefy 200+lbs, so we are kind of like "...ok?" And we decide we needed a nicotine break and all head outside.

We're outside talking, still having fun, most of us sober 'cos we get high on life, when Marvin comes up to Brandon and starts flirting with him again. I think I said something this time, 'cos I don't like games. He ignores me and proceeds to pick up Brandon and carry him over behind a small SUV (which they were both taller than and we could clearly watch the events unfold). So we are standing there watching as Marvin decides to make out with Brandon. Brandon is not a big guy probably 5'8" and 130lbs, so of course Brandon isn't trying to push off this monster of a man. It was like he rape kissed Brandon. So there I am after introducing this person to all my closest friends, and he is making out with one of them, a male one of them, in front of me and my closest friends. I was in shock for a few moments and just watched the spectacle unfold.

When they rejoined the group, I was told Marvin informed Brandon, "I think I might be gay" before raping his face. Now I love homos, and it's a non-issue to me if someone is gay or not, but in this situation I was pissed. It is unacceptable to refer to yourself as my boyfriend and then proceed to make out with my friend. You do not make out with your girlfriend's friends in front of her regardless of their gender. I gave that son of a bitch a piece of my mind for 2 days I called and bitched. But I did eventually forgive him (pretty faces are easier to forgive) and we dated for a few more weeks, until he decided to blow me off to go to prom with some underage whore and move to Wisconsin and live under a bridge for a period of time.

We have managed to maintain some kind of fucked up friendship, but I'm about to delete him from my facebook, I think. The conversation today was the kicker. He told me he was 100% sure he's going to stay with his new girlfriend for the next 3 years and more, I came back with "you also were 100% sure you were straight." His story was also completely inconsistent, he told me he'd worry about a job when he got to where he's going, then he told me he and his girlfriend have a job lined up. Oh, bullshit. It's a lot easier to call him on it when you aren't looking at his pretty face. He told me I was going to miserable and lonely forever; that's cool, as long as I don't have to date any more guys like him.

Hairy legs

I really should've know this whole dating thing probably wasn't going to work out well after my first date. Since this is my first blog on my blog about my dating adventures, I figure this is a good place to start. Now, I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't tell you the whole story leading up to my first date, so I'm going to start there.

I was 16 years old and it was the end of my junior year in high school when I got asked on my first date. I actually went to a tech school so there was a wide variety of kids that went there mostly stoners, rednecks, and the kids that got expelled from their home schools. I didn't fit into any of those categories, I was just unusual...or at least I thought I was, but I was just a teenage kid trying to find myself like all teenage kids do. Anyhow, I wasn't popular and I didn't talk to many people, but it was alright. I was still trying to emulate Jesse Camp from MTV circa 1997 and expressed my uniqueness through my clothes. I also didn't shave my legs. It was left over from 2 year prior when I decided I wanted to be a "hippie". Well, I decided I might want to start shaving my legs, so I shaved one leg. And because of that one shaved leg, I got my first date.

I was at the lunch table with home remodeling and carpentry students (I was a business computer technology student) and they were calling me a lesbian as usual cos of my European relationship with body hair and my friend said to them, "she's bi now! She shaved one leg." The guy across from me, we will call him Dave, was intrigued by this. He asked if he could see, he had never known someone to shave just one leg. So I showed him and even let him feel my shins. He was also impressed by my fishnet sleeves I wore under shirts (made simply by cutting the crotch out of a pair of fishnets and voila!) However, my hairy leg is what inspired him to ask me on a date. Now, Dave was a strange breed he wore wrangler jeans, polo shirts, and cowboy boots looked every bit your standard country type, but his favorite artist was Marilyn Manson. I looked as more like a Mansonite than he ever would, but I didn't; I listened to Radiohead and Blur. Anyhow, he asked me on a date, and it was the first time I was ever asked on a date and he wasn't gross so I said yes, little did I know this was the start of a decade of strange and sometimes terrible dates.

So it was the evening of our first date and I was waiting for him to come pick me up. This is before high schoolers had cell phones, so I just waited. I think we were suppose to go out around 5 or something and he had called from a pay phone right down the road from my house to make sure he knew how to get there. And now it was like hour later and I was still waiting. Seriously, my very first date and I'm about to get stood up? What the hell? Finally he calls. "Mary," he says, "I couldn't find your house, so I just went home. Maybe we can go out another time." Seriously? I lived in a town that is a mile and a half square,.there was one turn he had to make, and he got lost? I made him come back and take me on the date that day. He was able to find the house. I don't really remember too much about the date, I think I made him take me to the super deluxe Chinese buffet. I mostly remember he tried to cancel the date 'cos he couldn't find my house.

I dated him for that whole summer. I made him spend a lot of money on me. One time he got me flowers and he wrote my name, "Marry". My name is not an easy name to mis-spell, but he managed to. Poor guy just didn't get it. The relationship ended, when he quit returning my calls. I didn't mind, because, around that same time, I met my dream guy as far as dream guys go when your 17. He had tattoos and long black hair and wore cut off corduroy shorts with combat boots. He was beautiful. I had called and left messages for Dave cos it was around his birthday and I really wasn't positive if he had dumped me or just disappeared. But when Dave didn't show up for his birthday party I planned for him, I had a nice break up party with my bff with break up cakes and everything. The cakes were pink anyhow. And just for the kicker (and I mean literally) the end end was when I ran into him at the county fair and went up to him and kicked him. As for Mr. Dream Guy, he's a whole other story... not sure if he'll make it in this blog of epic dates, but obviously that didn't work out either or I wouldn't have this decade of dating experiences.

My first date was pretty average compared to some of the dates I've experienced, but I feel it is a good tone setter for other dates. Rarely have I turned down a date, and I've got so many more to share.